Thread: Chukle time

how do you know its time for bed in wengers house? its when the big hand is on the little hand hee heee

Ok - this is a hard one to get across so read it slowly .

This guy goes to the middle east for his new job and they put him in a hotel while they sort out his permanent accomodation . So he thinks to hinself its a hotel i can do what i like . So he goes out for the night trying to find a bit of action . He's a bit stupid and ends up takin a few birds back to his room for a party . Well he wakes up in the morning and starts to look for his clothes ??? All gone !!! checks the wardrobe = empty . Now this guys not totally stupid so he goes to the safe to check that his wallet and passport are still in there . " bingo " !!!!!!! He looks out of the hotel window and see's a market below . He takes the shower curtain and wraps it around himself , and goes into the market --- dives into a doorway of a clothes shop and says do me a good deal . The owner says Oh yes Mr we got best clothes for you , nice coat , nice shirt , nice trousers , nice underpants and nice socks . He says ok = puts all the stuff on and cant believe the quality . " I dont suppose you've got any shoes have you ? . The shop owner says pay for what you have first . So he pays him . What is shoes asks the shop owner ? . So he points to the shop owners feet and says shoes . Now the the owner has seen all the money in his wallet so he says - would you like to buy some MAGIC SLIPPERS , the guy says no mate of heard of flying carpets and all that but aint seen one . So what makes you think i want to buy a pair of magic slippers . The shop owner says you can have any woman you want anytime you want , they will fall at your feet = and then puts a pair of these slippers on the counter and he is mesmerized by the colours . Ok i'll have them too .

Now he puts these on and as soon a he does = before he knows what he's doing - he has got the shop owner over the counter and banging him in the sherrifs badge = and the shop owner is shouting stop stop you've got them on the wrong feet .

In an old pub there is a mirror. The mirror is magical and anyone who talks bull**** in front of it gets sucked into the mirror.

One day a brunette walks into the pub, see's the mirror and walks over to it. She looks at herself and says "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world". There's a scream and the girl gets sucked into the mirror.

A few days later a red head walks into the pub. She walks over to the mirror to comb her hair. As she's combing her hair she says "I think I look really pretty today". There's a scream and the girl gets sucked into the mirror.

The next week a blonde walks into the pub. She wlaks over to the mirror to do her lipstick. As she's putting some lippy on she says "I think..." there's a scream and she gets sucked into the mirror.

A man walks into a doctors and sits down. The doctor asks him what is wrong. The man says "well I keep getting a pain in my testicles". The doctor tells him to strip off and lay on the couch.

The man strips off and lays on the couch. The doctor walks over to examine him and says "Mr Smith, I really think you should stop masturbating."

The man asks "Why doctor?"

The doctor says "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade??

You can't marmalade your cock up a womens ass

Originally Posted by kevfball63

.....................a few thanks wouldn't go amiss lads

You have to earn those Kev ;-)

Calm down belondon it was only meant for the ones you laugh at = not each and every one .

Here's a football one - its about that Sol Campbell marriage scam .

Sol Campbell was trying to lose his bummer name so he thinks i'll get married and it will all stop .
So he finds a good christian woman knowing that he wont have to consumate until after the day .
So on the wedding night he's thinking - if i keep talking until she goes to sleep i'll be fine , so he goes into the bathroom does some press ups & sit ups walks into the bedroom and she is laying in bed with come to bed eyes . He says did i tell you about when i was playing for( sorry i cant say it ) the scum , i scored a hat-trick and he talks her through the game until she falls asleep .
The next night she thinks i'll sort it tonight - so she puts a see-through negligee and lays on top of the bed . As the night before he goes into the bathroom does some press ups & sit ups ,and there she is on the bed with come to bed eyes , and he says did i tell you about the time i played for Portsmouth , i scored a hat-trick -so same as the night before she falls asleep .
She thinks right tonight is it - two nights of my honeymoon wasted i'm gonna make sure tonight .
That night she lays on top of the bed stark naked , and the piccadilly pooftah goes into the bathroom thinking how am i gonna get out of this ??. So he does his press ups & sit ups walks into the bedroom and says did i tell you about the world cup games = but before he can say another word - she grabs his hand and sticks it between her legs and says have you ever felt a c*nt = he says course i have every time i go back to White Hart Lane , i get so much stick who wouldn't feel like a c*nt

Darren Bent is ill, so Harry Redknapp offers to do his shopping for him. While in Sainsbury's he bumps into Arsene Wenger. 'What are you doing in here, 'Arry?' asks Wenger. 'Getting a bag of potatoes for Darren Bent,' he replies. 'Sounds like a good swap to me,' says Wenger.....

Originally Posted by kevfball63

Women say that men cant multi task - but you should see us when we nearly get caught watching blue movies . We're like a ninja = trousers up telly turned over tissue down the couch

Multi tasking is doing more than one thing at once - POORLY! Women are tops at it.

Two women are playing golf . One tee'd off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole . The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasps his hands together at his groin , fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony .The woman rushed down to the man and began to apologise . "please allow me to help , i'm a phisical therapist and i know i could relieve your pain if you would allow me "she told him
"Oh no i'll be all right . I'll be fine in a few minutes " he replied .
He was in obvious agony , lying in the foetal position , with his hands clasped together at his groin . At her persistance , however , he finally allowed her to help . She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side . She loosened his trousers and put her hands inside . She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments , and then asked "how does that feel "
" He said it feels great , but i still think my thumbs broken "