Thread: Mike the Yid's Book of Jokes

#046

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me.

I gave her a cheeky wink and said;

"Get that trolley here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."

#047

Bloke was standing at a urinal and next to him was a midget also having a piss.

He noticed the midget was winking at him so he looked away.

He turned and looked again and the little f**ker was winking like crazy!

Disturbed by this, he said;

"Are you gay? Do u f**kin fancy me or something?"

The midget replied;

" No, you're splashing my eyes f**kin idiot . .!!!!!

wtf is this lmao

Fernando Torres has revealed that he's been wearing a t-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and he will reveal it next time he scores .. .It says "Save the Chilean Miners!"

I would like to share an experience with all of you. It has to do with drinking and driving.
Some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years in some cases where we were worried if we were over the limit or not.
The other night I was out for dinner with a few business friends. After a great meal and a bit too much vino (knowing full well that I was wasted) I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home........Yes a bus!
I arrived home safely and without incident. This was really a pleasant surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before

Originally Posted by Mike The Yid

wtf is this lmao

Mike is a Tottenham Fan who works in a Hair Dressers in London. Every other day he shares the banta on the shop floor with the rest of us. The guy makes me smile. He might do the same for you.

#048

My wife came home from work to find me sitting watching the football.

"I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else" she said. "I'm also seeing someone else truth be told"

"really?" I replied, "what team does he support?"

#049

Pub quiz in Glasgow..

"And the final question to win the £200 is;

Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two were "Take That" so what were the second two?

There was a long pause, then a wee Glaswegian piped up with...

Was it "Ya Bastard"...?

#050

Amazing football facts.

Did you know Danny Wellbeck's dad served as a bomb disposal expert in Belfast.

He was called..."Stan Wellbeck".

to mark the half century of Jokes from the shop floor, i've put 5 of the best into 1 post. enjoy...


1---

i walked past a mental home today and could hear them all shouting 13.....13.....13.....13.....13.....

i wanted to know what was going on? so i looked through a hole in the fence, some TWAT poked me in the eye and they all shouted 14....14.....14.....14....


2---

I said to the wife last night,

"Just so you know, if I ever end up in a vegetative state where I'm dependent on a machine and have fluids from a bottle, just pull the plug".

The bitch switched the footy off and took all my beer away.


3---

Went to a fancy dress shop the other day to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter gave me an arsenal kit.

I said, "sorry love you miss heard me, I want to look like a count".


4---

"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife while she was in labour.

"f**k off you bastard!" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh, I thought - it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.


5---

We're so skint at the moment that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.


thanks to mike the yid and his barber's floor banter! if i go home any time soon, i intend to nip in his shop for a hair doo before the game.

#051

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she said,

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asked, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replied, "It's me...talking to the wine."

#052

I went to the pub last night and there was this fat girl dancing on a table.

I walked passed and said "f**king amazing legs".

The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!!

#05

Geezar comes home and finds his old lady in bed with his pal,

He shoots him dead.

Wifey sais "Keep behaving like that and soon you'll have no friends left!"