Anelkas Autobiography - Funny as . . .

[contrast]

Nicolas Anelka has the football world on tenter hooks with the imminent release of his audacious autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else.’ Which critics are are already labelling ’shocking’ and ‘compelling.’

The book, which details Anelka’s rise from Parisian street urchin to World Cup winner certainly pulls no punches, firing broadsides at former team mates from Real Madrid, Arsenal, Manchester City, Paris St German, Liverpool and Galatasary.

“I wasn’t accepted anywhere I went.” Says Anelka with heart breaking honesty.

In it Anelka exposes the bullying tactics employed by multi national clubs world wide and holds a mirror to the ugly face of football. Some critics have even labelled it the sports equivilent to Nelson Mandela’s ‘Long Walk to Freedom.’

However none of the targets suffer the wrath of Anelka as much as former team mate Patrick Vieira, whom Anelka describes as a ‘world class git.’

In excerpts to be serialised in the Guardian Anelka reveals:

“My career at Arsenal was going from strength to strength until the day I crossed Vieira, who was better known in the Arsenal dressing room as ‘Le Long.’ I was playing against Fulham at Highbury and I remember receiving a ball from Bergkamp, then rounding the keeper with ease and, with the goal wide open, somehow managing to screw the ball wide at the last minute. It only happened because the sun was in my eyes. It wasn’t my fault! Anyway Vieira gave me a glare and I knew I was in trouble, afterwards in the showers he tore into me and I just snapped, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I called him a ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’

At first he just stared at me with his hollow eyes. Then…..WHAM!

Just like that he slapped me across the face with his *****. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14" pork sword in front of your team mates? It was the worst moment of my life. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” It was then I knew I had to leave. When Wenger found out what he’d done he merely high fived him and shouted “And that’s why he’s the captain. POW! Look at that thing!”

Anelka’s book reveals how he only regained his confidence eventually playing alongside Paul ****ov at Manchester City. “He could fit it in a polo.” Anelka reveals.

However not all are sympathatic to Anelka’s plight. Diagne N’dour, Vieira’s life long agent and business partner, described Anelka’s book as a ‘disgrace.’

N’dour wrote on his website that, if anything, Anelka should be privileged that he was allowed to touch Vieira’s chopper:

“In our country it is a great honour to be shown, let alone come into contact with Patrick Vieira’s porridge chucker. Instead of painting my client as a tyrant Mr Anelka should be apologising for sullying my clients ***** with his miserable, miserable face.”

Patrick Vieira is yet to comment on these accusations.

Nicolas Anelka’s book “It’s not me. It’s everyone else” is on sale August 29th

[spurs_striker]

looks like a good read, if its all as funny as that, i will have to get my hands on a copy somehow.

[Spurs4life93]

I mite take a look into this book.

It seems sooooooooo funny.

[grandgramparabbi]

It will have a shout for autobiography of the year award.
Other contestants:
Ashley Cole: Economics for dummies
Frank Lampard: Losing weight by gaining weight
Didier Drogba: Honesty comes from within
Arsene Wenger: The value of experience
Harry Redknapp: Having your consonants and eating them, too

[soul meets body]

**** off is that real.....

[steelktm]

there is no way that can be real. if that is the case than you brits are a bunch of weird @$$ group of people. btw i watch enough pron and i know enough math that if someone has a 14 incher i don't seem them being able to play football that well.

also just from my experience i might say.

[Ekad]

Hillarious.

[EliteKiller]

It will have a shout for autobiography of the year award.
Other contestants:
Ashley Cole: Economics for dummies
Frank Lampard: Losing weight by gaining weight
Didier Drogba: Honesty comes from within
Arsene Wenger: The value of experience
Harry Redknapp: Having your consonants and eating them, too

SOL CAMPBELL - Most Hated: A failed attempt at becoming notorious.

[subtle spur]

Funny as F***.
Can't believe people are actually thinking this COULD be real

[Samcthfc]

Funny as F***.
Can't believe people are actually thinking this COULD be real

Haha

Same here.

Boombaclart

Priceless

[basskadet]

Vieira - rasclart

there is no way that can be real. if that is the case than you brits are a bunch of weird @$$ group of people. btw i watch enough pron and i know enough math that if someone has a 14 incher i don't seem them being able to play football that well.

also just from my experience i might say.

All participants are French, says it all really, although they generally have very tiddly wieners. It is actually very typical for Les Francais to smack each other in the face with their saucisson, altho given their genetic lack of size it apparently amounts to less of a smack and more of a rub.

Anyway, its a very popular way of handling things over in the Arsenal dressing room, as you can probably imagine what with their continental influence. Arsene often disciplines his players in this way, especially the youth team. He finds it the best way for someone who has such a tiny tiddler to impose himself over others & maintain discipline.

Problem is, they all love it over there, hence their indiscipline. Eduardo is gonna get a right faceful after his behaviour in the Celtic game

[Roscono3]

LMFAO....................................

Oh my god now ive stopped laughing i can just about type! Ive read some s**t lately but this is the best thread ive read in ages!

Funny as Fu*k lol

[Roscono3]

Vieira - rasclart



All participants are French, says it all really, although they generally have very tiddly wieners. It is actually very typical for Les Francais to smack each other in the face with their saucisson, altho given their genetic lack of size it apparently amounts to less of a smack and more of a rub.

Anyway, its a very popular way of handling things over in the Arsenal dressing room, as you can probably imagine what with their continental influence. Arsene often disciplines his players in this way, especially the youth team. He finds it the best way for someone who has such a tiny tiddler to impose himself over others & maintain discipline.

Problem is, they all love it over there, hence their indiscipline. Eduardo is gonna get a right faceful after his behaviour in the Celtic game

How funny is that! LoL

[Spurs4life93]

This was an April Fools thing lol.





(I walk out of the door head held in shame)

[St.Helens Spurs]

Porridge chucker! Never heard it called that before ha ha!

Urban Dictionary: porridge chucker