Commentator Cock-ups !

[Rev John Ripsher]

"Ireland need fresh impotence" - PHIL BABB
"Is it the case that 50% of West Ham fans want Avram Grant sacked and the other half want him to stay? Or is it the other way around?" - RAY PARLOUR
"We didn't give them any opportunities, but unfortunately they took one" - NEIL WARNOCK
"England have players who can rattle anyone's feathers" - MICHAEL OWEN
“When Gareth Bale opens his legs like that, it’s just a magnificent sight" - GARY NEVILLE
"Every picture paints a thousand words and that one said 'goodbye' " - KEVIN KEEGAN
"What's changed is that nothing's changed" - AIDY BOOTHROYD
"I don't think that this clean sheet was a shut-out" - GLENN HODDLE
"The one thing you get from Martin Allen is honesty. Ask him a question and he'll avoid it" - JASON CUNDY
“Real Madrid came out the traps like a thoroughbred racehorse” – ROB HAWTHORNE
“We've won 10 out of 11. You can't do any better than that” - HARRY REDKNAPP
“Martin O’Neill rules with a rod of fear” – STAN COLLYMORE
"It's Wolves 0, Swansea 2 and that is an accurate scoreline" - ALAN GREEN
"He's a good technician for a big man" - STAN COLLYMORE
"You either love or hate Neil Warnock and I like him" - MATT MURRAY
"Olsson has taken a large portion of Andy Carroll from behind" - SAM MATTERFACE
"Jose Enrique's strength is that he's very strong" - KEVIN KEEGAN
"The first half has gone how I almost half-anticipated" - JIMMY ARMFIELD
"We had a setback against Stoke which set us back a bit" - ROY HODGSON
"Today will open the title race wide back up" - PAUL MERSON
"It's 2-2-all" - MATT LE TISSIER
"Top players don't come much topper than Gerrard and Carragher" - ROBBIE KEANE
"Arsene took too long to replace those players, and they were irreplaceable" - RAY WILKINS
"His legs have gone and it's time to hang them up"- JOHN HARTSON
"How many people is 1.2billion?" - IAN ABRAHAMS
"Over a season, the decisions spread out" - PAUL MERSON
"This is a rollercoaster of a feast" - MARTIN TYLER
"Barcelona play football to die of" - MICKY QUINN
Arsenal have been literally passed to death" - JAMIE REDKNAPP
"You don't want to bite your nose off to spite your face" - PAUL MERSON
“Suarez’s hunger for the game seems unquenchable" - ALAN SMITH
"United will break caution to the wind" - GLENN HODDLE
"Blackpool always fly by the skin of their pants" - DAVID MOYES
"Fabregas misses out but Samir Nasri will be the benefactor" JAMIE REDKNAPP
"He decapitated him at the kneecaps" - MICKY QUINN
"A lot of people are jumping on the moral background" - MICKY QUINN
"It definitely would probably have been a pelanty" - CHRIS WADDLE
"I call myself a 100 per center because every week I give 110 per cent" - BRADLEY JOHNSON
“It looked as though he’d damaged ligaments, or had ligament damage”
– IAN DANTER
“When you’re comfortable, and you think you’re comfortable, it’s
uncomfortable” - ROY KEANE
"He'll probably say his quote was lost in transfusion" - ALAN BRAZIL
"He's been active in the transfer windy" - JAMIE REDKNAPP
"That was an absolute goal" - CHRIS KAMARA
"Sturridge showed he can play under the big stages" - GLENN HODDLE
"Alan Pardew has had to juggle his pack" - ALAN MCINALLY
"Belgium's not a hotpot of international football" - ALAN BRAZIL
"Nicky Shorey is the provider but Shane Long has made this all on his own" - CHRIS KAMARA
"The boys' performance today was so good I've run out of expletives to describe it" - FLEETWOOD'S MICKY MELLON
"One lack of naivety from us and we lost the match" - STEVE BRUCE
"Manchester United will be hoping their bench can come off the bench" - RAY PARLOUR
"The Olympic Stadium running track is a blue elephant" - IAN ABRAHAMS
"It's important the Olympic Stadium gets used and doesn't become a red herring" - GEORGE BURLEY
"Mancini's got to nail this in the bud" - CHARLIE NICHOLAS
"There were two quick goals... bang, bang, bang" - ALVIN MARTIN
"Spurs are up against one of the top coaches in the world if not one of the best in the world" - AIDY BOOTHROYD
"Anywhere else on the pitch, that was a penalty" - GARY NEVILLE
"West Ham absolutely pitulated in the second half" - PAUL MERSON
"Charlie Adam has not said a dickie bow" - DARREN GOUGH
"We have 15 irons in the fire, and I mean that literally" - DAVID GOLD
"I want to see the stats for how many crosses there have been; it's been incredulous" - BOBBY GOULD
"We want to win the match in 90 minutes, even if we have to go to extra time to do it" - ALEX McLEISH
"You saw the disappointment on their faces and voices" - KEVIN KEEGAN
"Everyone is sitting on the fence on the edge of their seats" - ALAN SMITH
"I tell you what went well for us in this campaign .. things went well for us" - JOHNNY GILES
"We've had two incidents that weren't very savouryable" - VIV ANDERSON
"Victor Obinna could barely hit a cow's backside with a barn door" - IAN ABRAHAMS
"We have to reduce our expectations of England and we have the players to do it" - STEVE McCLAREN
"It's a huge honour to wear the number seven at Liverpool. I think about the legends: Dalglish, Keegan and that Australian guy" - LUIS SUAREZ
“You could close your eyes and see a young Iniesta or a young Xavi" - BRIAN MARWOOD
"You only get a second to score a goal in football. In Wolves' case it was 20 seconds" - ALEX McLEISH
"The money players are on these days is immoral, but you can't knock it" - NEIL WARNOCK
"David Silva literally floats around the pitch" - JAMIE REDKNAPP
"When you lose a goal so early, you've always got an uphill mountain" - STEVE CLARIDGE
“Dzeko was accused of throwing his bathwater out of the pram" - JAMES COOPER
"It's end to end stuff... all West Brom" - IAIN DOWIE
"Dave Jones got to the final last year and lost in the semi-final this year, so progress has definitely been made" - PAUL LAMBERT
"If you take that away from him you lose something he definitely has" - IAIN DOWIE
"What a decision from the woman linesman" - PAUL MERSON
"Aston Villa are four points below the drop zone" - DARREN GOUGH
"No disrespect to Arsenal, but we gave them too much respect" - STEVE KEAN
"If Taraabt isn't on the game, QPR can struggle" - RICHARD LANGLEY
"That was never a penalty in a million planets" - ALAN McINALLY
"I can't really pin my colours to which mast I am supporting" - MICKY QUINN
"Landon Donovan is four from four from the penalty spot this season. In other words, he's scored all of them" - IAN DARKE
"Man City needed something and when Johnson did something, something happened" - RUUD GULLIT
"I'm not going to single individuals out but Yakubu has missed loads of great chances" - ALAN BRAZIL
"To win the competition, name one of the colours, red or white, which make up the flag of Peru" - MICKY QUINN
“I am supposed to take the bullets and absorb them, like a polar bear" - ARSENE WENGER

[THFCWill]

I can't remember who it was but there was a pundit on Skysports news and he called Shaun Wright Phillips "black boy running down the wing". He got banned for it lol, what an idiot. Some of those cock-ups are brilliant mate! Iain Dowie is a genius lmao!

[Yidington]

Not quite the same thing but I always remember Motty, live on air, pronuncing Kuntz's name as "(unts". cracked up at that

[DorsetSpursFan]

Well done! I'ts so hard to pick a favourite but this one may me chuckle the most:
"If Taraabt isn't on the game, QPR can struggle" - RICHARD LANGLEY

[Matt]

Not quite the same thing but I always remember Motty, live on air, pronuncing Kuntz's name as "(unts". cracked up at that

One of my all time favs:

John Motson says the c*** word during a commentary? - YouTube

Love Fantasy Football

Cracking list thanks Rev

[weirddave]

They're really funny but some of those just came out wrong and can be interpreted

[Sraew]

"Olsson has taken a large portion of Andy Carroll from behind" - SAM MATTERFACE

I see what you did there.

[rasjen14]

"You're playing some of the best players in the world, nigga" Peter Crouch

[US_Spurs_Fan]

“When Gareth Bale opens his legs like that, it’s just a magnificent sight" - GARY NEVILLE

I don't see whats wrong with that one.... all I see is truth.

[gabrielconroy]

David Coleman had some classics (I notice Private Eye have changed the name of that section to Commentatorballs since David died). Here's some more - some of the might be repeats of your massive list Rev:


"They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around."
Terry Venables

"What disappointed me was that we didn't play with any passion. I'm not disappointed, you know, I'm just disappointed."
Kevin Keegan

"The new season will be all about scoring more goals than the opposition."
Alvin Martin

"If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half-time, it was concentration and focus."
Ron Atkinson

"They (Swindon) are still finding that they are much happier when they have the ball than when the other side has it."
Ron Jones

"He's caused the Chelsea defence no amount of problems."
Jimmy Armfield

"We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half."
Kevin Keegan

"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"You can see the ball go past them, or the man, but you'll never see both man and ball go past at the same time. So if the ball goes past, the man won't, or if the man goes past, they'll take the ball."
Ron Atkinson - and you will be tested on what he said later!

"The important thing is that he shook hands with us over the phone."
Alan Ball

"Eighty per cent of teams who score first in matches go on to win them. But they may draw some – or occasionally lose.”
A thoughtful David Pleat

"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
Kevin Keegan

"The problem at Wimbledon seems to be that the club has suffered a loss of complacency."
Joe Kinnear

"He has got his tactics wrong tactically."
Mick Quinn

"He reminds me of a completely different version of Robbie Earle."
Mark Lawrenson

"It's 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
Radio 5 Live commentator

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison "

A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off."
Kevin Keegan

"Lampard fired straight through the middle of a non-existent wall."
Paul McKenna

"A win would be better than a draw."
Denis Law

"The header was cleared off the line by the crossbar."
Simon Brotherton

"Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin."
Chris Kamara

"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today."
Kevin Keegan

"Ruud Gullit was able to impose his multi-lingual skills on this match."
John Motson

"At this stage of the season I just tell the players to get points under their bags."
George Graham

"He's carrying his left leg, which, to be honest, is his only leg."
Steve Coppell

"Think of a number between 10 and 11."
Ron Atkinson

"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."
Kevin Keegan

"He says that he will walk away from the game when his legs go."
Radio Commentator

"Tony Banks described the English fans arrested in Marseilles as 'brain dead idiots'. That goes for me as well." Secretary of the Football Supporters Association

"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time." Kevin Keegan "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." Radio commentator "Unless the chairman decides to sack me, I won’t be quitting." Carlton Palmer "Football's like a big market place and people go to the market every day to buy their vegetables." Bobby Robson "Michael Owen - he's got the legs of a salmon." Sky TV commentator "Robbie Keane's not the second choice, he's my first choice. But Jermain Defoe is as well." Martin Jol "Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa." Kevin Keegan "I don't want to be either partial or impartial." Frank McLintock "The lads really ran their socks into the ground." Alex Ferguson "Ally McCoist will always get you a goal, whether he's playing or on the bench." Mark Hateley "Liverpool will think 'we could have won this 2-2'" Ron Atkinson "That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass." Murdo MacLeod "The best thing for them to do (Ireland) is to stay at 0-0 until they score the goal." Martin O’Neill "The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23." Kevin Keegan "If I was still at Ipswich, I wouldn't be where I am today." Dalian Atkinson

"We (England) haven't been scoring goals, but football's not just about scoring goals. It's about winning."
Alan Shearer

"If you want change, you've got to stick with it."
Terry Venables

"You get bunches of players like you do bananas, though that is a bad comparison."
Kevin Keegan

"If we played like that every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent."
Bryan Robson

"Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning."
Ron Atkinson

"That's twice he (Terry Phelan) has got between himself and the goal."
Brian Marwood


"Anyone who takes drugs should be hammered."
Andy Gray

"There are 0-0 draws and 0-0 draws, and this was a 0-0 draw."
John Sillett

"Not many teams will come to Arsenal and get anything, home or away."
Kevin Keegan

"You can't say my team aren't winners. They've proved that by finishing fourth, third and second in the past three seasons."
Gerard Houllier, showing that Liverpool weren’t winners!

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
Ray Wilkins

"I felt a lump in my throat as the ball went in."
Terry Venables

"Michael Owen to Newcastle is the biggest transfer of the season so far - and it will be until there's a bigger one."
Jim White

"Yes, six inches either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
Radio commentator

"I've had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really."
Kevin Keegan

[DorsetSpursFan]

This post made me and this cat very happy! Funny!

[Seajay]

Long ago, in the almost forgotten days of the 1970s, there was, on Scottish TV, a Sunday afternoon (all weekend football then was played at 3:00pm on Saturdays and the only live games were major finals) highlights programme called Scotsport. It was a truly awful production with, arguably, the worst ever football commentator Arthur Montford! It is rumoured that Arthur only kept his job because he owned the production company, but I cannot confirm this.
One of his most memorable lines was - bearing in mind this was an edited highlights programme with the opportunity to correct any errors:
"What a great shot. If it had gone in the net it would have been a goal!"
His commentary on live games was best listened to with the volume turned off.

[Javi]

Lol that was a good laugh.

I remember when Spurs went to NYC and the commentator said"There is Christian Bale" I thought holy SHIT WE SIGNED BATMAN!

[Rivron]

'There's a chink in Chang's armour'' David Coleman.

'Asa Hartford is a whole hearted player'' (not sure who said this). Funnier when spoken than written, obviously.

[skiathospurs]

Ian "finbar" holloway said "we feel like we´ve been kicked in the nuts,but we´ll go away and lick our wounds" Oooaarrr.
yuk yuk