Mike the Yid's Book of Jokes

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Mike is a Tottenham Fan who owns a Hair Dressers in London.



Every other day he shares the banta on the shop floor with the rest of us.

The guy makes me smile. He might do the same for you.

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#001

My twelve year old daughter came home from school crying today. I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "What's the matter?" She said, "Everybody is bullying me because I weigh 15 stone." I said, "Come on sweetheart, you're bigger than that."

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#002

I made my girlfriend's wishes come true and married her in a castle... although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her ****ing face as we were bouncing around.

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#003

I went to see a psychic last week who told me I would be coming into money! Saturday night I shagged a bird called Penny!! Spooky or what?

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#004

I don't like to call my wife fat but the last time she wore stilettos, she struck oil.

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#005

House party- there's always one left over in the morning! Guy lying on the floor behind the sofa, he's ****in legless & can't stand up! I Asked him where he lived, i dragged him up, pulled him down the path to the car, his ****in legs all over the place! Chucked him in the car and took him home! Dragged him up to his house and knocked on the door! "I've Brought your son home from the party!". His mum replies, "did you bring his wheelchair?"

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#006

Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.When he gets home, it's there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, it's there again.
So next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
Six hours later he phones his wife and asks ''is the cat home?''
''Yes,why?'', she said.
''Put the little **** on'' he says ''I'm ****ing lost!".

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#007

So I'm standing at the bar & this little Chinese guy is stood at the side of me. So I asked him do you know martial arts like Kung Fu & ju-jitsu? He replied, "why the f*** u ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?!" I said, "no, it's because your drinking my f***ing pint you little c***!"

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#008

Arsene Wenger's alarm went off this morning and his wife said, "wake up dear, its nine". He said, "oh for ****s sake, have they scored again?"

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#009

Laying in bed with the wife I looked in her eyes and said, "seeing your face reminds me of the lottery."
"Because I'm worth millions to you?", she said.
"No", I said, "I wish you'd f***ing roll over."

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#010

Police in the seychelles have recovered the arm of shark attack victim Ian Redmond. It was identified by a tattoo that said Arsenal for the league 2011/12. In a statement the police said not even a shark would swallow that!!!

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#011

I was in the pub celebrating winning £100 million on the lottery when my ex-wife walked in and demanded half. I said, "Sure, it's the least I can do". She said, "What, are you serious? Thank you, thank you so much". I said, "Alright love, calm down. Fosters or Carling?"

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#012

The recent looting has now reached as far afield as Glasgow, reports last night have confirmed. One man was even spotted breaking into a fiver.

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#013

There's a charity gig tonight in aid of people who struggle to achieve orgasm. don't worry if you can't come.

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#014

i walked past a mental home today and could hear them all shouting 13.....13.....13.....13.....13.....i wanted to know what was going on? so i looked through a hole in the fence, some TWAT poked me in the eye and they all shouted 14....14.....14.....14....